# Mom dating after dad died

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Retrieved March 13, 2015. Wie Daten Ihre Werbeerlebnisse verbessern Wir möchten Ihnen mit unseren Produkten beste Erfahrungen bieten. Then I just found out after only 4 weeks of dating he went and bought a new queen bed for her so she could sleep comforable with my dad.\
&#x20;![mom dating after dad died](http://www.relatably.com/q/img/sad-quotes-about-death-of-a-father/Missing-you-quote-dad-death-be-strong-no-more-640x480.jpg)\\

Mom would have wanted us to. She has 3 grandchildren of her own who are the light of her life. Jesus for sharing your story. Your post about your mom and Janet was beautiful. I live in Michigan. I understand it may be tough for a child who lost a parent to see their remaining parent start dating, but this does not mean they are glad to replace their previous spouse. If you want to call me a spoiled brat, I'm certainly not going to stop you. Pretty much the same boat. Lost my father in June and still have my moments. Two opposite opinions, two valid points. Angebote zu Produkten, mom dating after dad died die Sie sich interessieren und Ihre Interaktionen mit ihnen messen, melden und analysieren. Solo thanks to member Annie Walters for sharing this story with us.

She was an active, vibrant 72 year old woman who had lots of plans for the future. So he breaks up with her. My boyfriend and I had been dating just 2 months when his father passed away unexpectedly.\
&#x20;![mom dating after dad died](http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2015/03/01/2639A82500000578-0-image-a-6_1425244307299.jpg)\\

**A Parent's Remarriage** - What can I do? That was my mother-in-law before she died 3 weeks ago.\
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Heather asks for advice: In November, it will be two years since my mother died after a prolonged illness. My father started dating a woman this summer. I supported him finding companionship. He and Mom were together for 35 years, so it had been a long time since he was alone. Unfortunately, I have not dealt well with the reality of his girlfriend. He wants to include her in all of our family gatherings and has told me that he expects me to become friends with her. My mom and I were very close before she got sick and got even closer during her illness, so this feels like a violation to me in so many ways. I have tried to explain to Dad that I am not comfortable with this but he seems to not care. I feel like I am alone in this, and it is very hard for me to be a grown up about it. Ever since we lost Mom, I have felt like I no longer belong in my family, and this just makes it worse. John Pete, certified grief counselor and founder of MyGriefSpace. Net, responds: Hello Heather: Please accept my sincere condolences for the loss for your mother. What you are going through is understandably painful and confusing to you right now. While you want your father to find happiness and companionship, it also feels threatening to the memory of your mother, and an intrusion to your family unit as it was. You can continue to struggle against the choice your father has made, or you can seek ways to help yourself accept this new situation. Try to establish a friendship with her for her own qualities and so you can feel comfortable talking to her about the loss of your mother and your grief. This can open new lines of communication and reduce the threat you feel that she is somehow replacing your mother. Two years is not nearly as long as many people might think when it relates to the loss of a loved one. So, please continue to allow yourself your grief, but also proactively seek the healing support from others and also through new experiences. John Pete, GC-C It has been just a little over 1 year since my mother passed. She was sick for just a short time. My parents had been married for 63 years. My brother accepted this woman with open arms immediately. I understand totally how this young woman feels like an outcast. I have told him I understand he wants this relationship and I accept that and actually understand it…. It hurts, but we all must take a stand for what we truly believe is acceptable. I am in the same situation, I am the oldest of 5 children, the other 4 have diffrent views but basically they dont want to piss daddy off because they might get the treatment I am getting. On March 27 my father asked what my problem was and I told him, I was hysterical oh and by the way he came to my office. I lost my mother to illness a year ago and my father started dating just 3 months after she passed. It was and is extremely hard to cope with. My father has now moved in with his girlfriend and lives in her house. He now expects me, his daughter to participate in holidays there. I am just not comfortable with that nor will I ever be. The only people that truly understand us are people that have experienced this like us. I agree that we just feel the way we feel. Which I am sure hurts him but I am hurting too. I feel like it will NEVER get better………… Susan, I am in the same exact boat. My mom died Nov. They talk on the phone often and I believe he gave her a really nice Christmas gift! Although, I support him having a new life with a new lady friend, but not this soon. The friend has been a widow for a year, so it seems like she was waiting on my Mom to die. Since my mother died, this is the first time she had attended one of our family gatherings. I was polite to her and to my dad. I decided that I would invite them to go with us…I really struggled with this…. I WAS SO RELIEVED!! She reciprocated the invitation through my Dad a week or so later to spend an evening out …. But from your comments, I believe we each feel pretty much the same. Dear Susan Musselwhite, I hear you and I get it. My dad died 18 months ago and Mum has just joined a dating agency. But the way that she did it was deceitful. The way she broke the news to me shocking, although I put two and two together before she actually told me. My take on it is this: Get on with it if it will make you happy. From being a very close knit family to being estranged is quite something. I see it like this. If I become estranged when she move on, it will be easier to deal with the death of that parent as we have already parted in the living years. He was very sick for a long time before he died with cancer. Good luck and goodbye Mother Dear! The obligation I had to keep her entertained and out and about which was every weekend without fail although I have my own family is now over! I choose to see it in a positive light. All I can say is I am so glad that I came across this website. I lost my mother almost a year ago Feb. I was completely taken aback mostly because my mom told him repeatedly how she felt if he were to do such a thing. At the time I told him I thought it was too soon, but he kept going on about time and would it make a difference if it were a year or two. I feel that he is not in the right frame of mind right now to even be thinking about a relationship. We not only lost my mom this year, but we lost my grandma his mother , my brother in law, and my aunt his sister. Not to mention a cancer scare for him and other illnesses that have had him hospitalized. I feel that he needs to take time and adjust to his new life before he brings someone else into it. I had a big talk with him over the holidays and told him how I felt. I live in a different city than my dad, so I think it hit home for him when he could see how physically upset I was. From what he tells me she has helped him through a difficult time and how can I be happy knowing that he is not. As someone stated below, I too feel as if it is never going to get better. My mother died in Aug. He said just for companionship and a friend. Then I just found out after only 4 weeks of dating he went and bought a new queen bed for her so she could sleep comforable with my dad. I just met her last night in the hospital as he is waiting to see what is wrong with his heart. In front of me he found it necessary to call her angel, and feels he should talk mushie to her when I am around. My stomach was sick the whole hour I was there and when I left I cried for a long time. I love my dad but this is not fitting well with me, as he never once called my Mom angel or anything like that. They were married for 52 years. How do I cope with this? Perhaps the longer the marriage, the greater their need to have another companion — someone to soothe their hurt. It appears to me that your dad has been extremely lonely since your mom passed and he feels this woman has given him life again. It also seems that he loves, respects, and wants your approval in the biggest way. He wants you to see what happiness this woman has brought him and he feels if you witness this, you will share in his happiness. This has got to be very tough for you. When he is back to health, you should share your feelings with him and let him know how you feel — nothing may change but at least you can open the lines of communication with him and perhaps he can share some of his deepest hurts and feelings with you at the loss of his wife and your mother. And perhaps he will be aware of his insensitivity to you in addressing this lady by calling her Angel, etc. One thing is for sure, just as our parents could never select our friends or mates in life — we neither can select theirs. He may try to replace your mother in his life with another…but after that many years of marriage, he will never be able to. He may be able to fulfill some of the emptiness he has felt and may feel he at least has a purpose to continue his life. In time, you will learn to work around it and not let it absorb you and suck you up. I really feel your pain. I lost my mother in July 2008 after a very long illness. My father started seeing a woman shortly after Thanksgiving. Not only was he seeing this woman, but he was lying about it until I found out in the worst possible way on Christmas Eve. Now, he is practically living with her. My parents were together for 40 years. I was close to both of my parents. My father died unexpectedly the day after Christmas 2008. He was married to my mom for 52 years. My mom will not let us help her with anything, but rather wants to call all the male friends my dad had to help her. It seems more like she is having a party instead of respecting my fathers memory. We loved my father very very much. Since my father was near death almost 3 years ago, I feel my mother was and is jealous of the attention we gave my father. I do love my mother and it hurts me and my sister when she says she would rather have dads buddies or the neightbors come to help her instead of having us over. It is so good to know that I am not the only daughter dealing with these feelings. My Mom died December 7, 2008 after a 4 year fight with bone cancer. My parents had been married 50 yrs. One week after my mother passed a women that was a member at the same club as my parents contacted my dad to send her condolences, saying she had just found out about my mom. She also tried to tell me that her and my mom were friends yet I know my mom did not care for her, and if thats a friend who needs enemies. Two days later she arrived with baked goods for my dad. When I tried to worn him about her, he said she was just a friend. She calls him 3 -4 times a day wanting to know what he is doing or where he was. She has tried to talk to me on the phone, but I have nothing to say to her because I do not like what she has done. I feel she is trying to push a wedge between my father and his family. I have found out that because of her, old friends of my parents who also know this women will not talk to my father because they have never like her. When I tried to talk with him 4 weeks after my mom passed, he informed me that he is 73 yrs. I also go everynight after work and cook dinner. She calls telling my dad all about her medical problems which is breast cancer after my mother battled bone cancer. I feel this women is just looking to have someone take care of her and support her, and that she is hoping to move into my parents house. The only peace I have is that she will have to answer to God and probably my mother in the end. Hi I thought you guys might want to hear from someone who happens to be the mans girlfriend. I have been dating a man who lost his wife to cancer and let me tell you I feel like I have committed a major crime for dating this man so soon after his wife died. All we want is to be happy and I definately do not want to replace the much older kids mom. I have no desire to be alone and lonely in my older years and neither does he. I know it is 2017 now, and I too have lost my mother and have a 76 year old father who was comforted by a lady 10 years older than I and 10 younger than he, but no one can really understand the pain that comes in seeing your father with another woman after 55 years of marriage. Does that seem like the kind of relationship that would make anyone feel good about stepping in the picture? Would I ever want to come between a father and daughter for the sake of my own needs or excuses that I make this man happy? The answers are NO. I could never come into a situation with the full support of the grown kids. I could never look myself in the mirror and feel good about it as a woman, a mother or person. That would not be my idea of telling those who are angry, devastated, confused and yes feeling it is wrong, disrespectful and hurting the very person you say you want to make happy in the end, DOES CLASS AND DECENCY RIGHT A BELL IN YOUR INCONSIDERATE AND SELFISH MIND? To me that is the ultimate low in character. I have basically lost my mother, father and sister who is too afraid to stand up to dad and have no parents. What does this new lady have? That is what mom wanted and he has failed miserably in the 6 months since her death. I guess I thought dad would finally take some time to get to know me, the grandkids and spend time doing things he did not do all the time we grew up. He always worked or had something to do. I never got to really have my father to myself growing up and even more now. So Girlfriend, I guess no one can have any sympathy for you or take your message and somehow change the way we really feel because you need to have a companion in your old age. Shame on you to the end of time. This is all about you not wanting to be alone, because he did not have enough time to understand his grief nor did any of the other family members. When two people are together for along period of time and one passes the other is not use to being alone. I personally feel that people should have enough respect for others to let the family grieve without bringing a new situtation into the mix. What people in your situtation need to realize it is not all about you, there are children, grandchildren, in-laws. Yes, he is lonely and yes, you are lonely and yes, you both deserve not to be lonely. She was an exceptional cook, kept a spotless house, and was his best friend. Again, the problem is that it happened too soon — no time for him to grieve properly or me. If your dating this man is just that — going to dinner, catching a movie, and someone to confide in…. This website is great. My parents were married for 26 years. My momma lost a long battle with lung cancer, and her death hit me the hardest in the family. Her and I were so close. I pretty much had a break down. I attemped suicide several times, and quit caring anout myself. She just seems like she tries too hard. Who are all about my age. He tells me not to bring my mom up in front of her. And this is so offensive. He should worry about his own 20 year old daughter, not her kids. I feel horrible about the situation. I guess I just need to keep asking God for his help. Sad Girl, Wow…I really feel your pain. What I would do is to call your dad and tell him you would like to sit down and talk to him alone. Maybe you could try to get to know her and her children. We each have our own stories deep inside our hearts. Concentrate on trying to get to know them and let them see you as the person you are….. Try to be upbeat when you are around them. Sometimes it is very hard to be upbeat when you feel such dispair but give it your best shot. You and your dad need to talk — ask him to tell you how he is feeling too since he lost your mom. Try not to show anger toward your dad but approach him with kindness. Always remember, what you give out is what you get back! I would like for someone to tell me when its ok to date after a spouse dealth. When a spouse leave this earth what is the widow or widower is suppose to do with the remaining of their life. Are they just suppose to just live their life around their kids and other relatives without a mate. While their kids and other relatives have mates and continue on with their lifes. Can so one please explain this to me. I understand that the lose of a mother or father is painful. I lost my father. However I was not angry with my mother whenshe start dating. However that does not mean the living spouse is to stop their life. You have to remeber they are human. Everyone needs some type of companionship. So why are people so angry when your mother or father wants to continue their life Thank you to everyone for sharing their stories and opinions. It really helps me try and understand my situation. I think it really depends on the spouse and family and friends of the deceased. My father passed away in the spring of 2008 after being married to my mom for 40 years. Now, almost 4 months later they are still together. My sisters and I are not comfortable with this because it has become quite serious and it has also changed her personality. We have tried talking to her about it and voiced our concerns. She said that she values our opinions but beyond that nothing much was done. The lack of consideration for our feelings is slowly breaking up our relationship with her. I truly want her to be happy and have tried step back and look at the situation from an outsiders perspective but I am having great difficulty. They should talk with them and truly take their feelings into account. I lost my mother to cancer in November, my father enrolled in one of thoes dating web sites in December. Its April now and my dad has a new girlfriend he wants me to meet……wow. I put him off saying how about a rain check. I mean moms been gone for 5 months now and I have to meet the new misses? I think he got mad at me for not jumping at the chance to meet her. Ive never really been close with my father and this seems to be driving more of a wedge between us. Its like its no longer convient for him to do that. My mom just passed away 1 month ago this Aprilat the age of 50. She struggled with cancer for over 2 years. I held her hand while she took her last few breaths. It was truly the hardest thing I ever had to do. The way her throat was moving up and down struggling for air. Watching her stop breathing for 10 seconds and all of us thinking she was gone and all of a tsudden take a breath. I dream about and think about it constantly and it was very traumatizing to me. To make it worse my Dad moved 7 hours from all of us kids and we havent heard from him very often. I talked to him last night and he lets me know that he is already seeing someone. All he talked about was this womans body and how she works out everyday and she is model material. He talked about how she was the kind of person that back in the day he would normally rip her clothes off. I never heard my Dad talk about my mother that way …not the nasty remarks but simply talk about her beauty. And moving so far away. I understand him wanting to sell the house because mom died in it…but to move so far away! It feels like he is abandoning us! We kids need him. We just lost our mom , now we feel like we are losing him too! I feel like he is being selfish. I think that he is more worried about himself than us kids. Which I know that we are old enough to take care of ourselves but I feel that we need to be together right now. Its like mom was the glue that held the family together and now that shes gone…. And how dare him talk to me like this about the other woman. Like I really want to hear that crap!!!!!!! Someone help me with this. People deserve to be happy but that does not mean they should forget their children. My dad does not spend Christmas or Christmas Eve with his family. Eight months after my mother died my dad gave a woman a diamond. And they got married one year after my mother passed away. My parents were married 60 years. My dad died of cancer lung and colon November 2008. He was diagnosed last year March and just quickly got worse even started losing his memory walking around the house tearing curtains down we even had to hide his car keys he wanted to go to work. He was a workaholic. He pretty much worked up until he died. My dad dedicated his life to taking care of our family. We were not rich but we did not want for much. For much of my mothers life she did not have to work just take care of the family. This is why is pains me to see my mother move on so soon 5 months later. I have a right to my opinion. Another website I just left everyone was telling me to grow up, stop being selfish and thats her personnel affair. The crazy part is they all had both parents in their lives. Thats why i was so surprised and relieved to find people to talk to that can actually relate. Did she ever stop to consider my feelings as well. I take peoples feelings into consideration in any situation a lot of times before my own. Im a good mother a little over protective but i mean well and they know it and love me regardless. I just want to thank everyone for their postings. It really helps alot. In March, a recent widow called my dad and made contact. We had to ask my dad if he could fit us into his schedule because they are soooo busy doing stuff. She is making herself at home. They only spend week-ends together and during the week they are at their respective homes but she is now entitled to his pension. She is needy and always in our face. Maybe they suit each other if they are that mixed up! Today, they went shopping for a bed. Save me the details.. My mother passed away about 3 years ago. A little less then a year after my mother passed away my father went on a buiness trip and found himself a girl freind. My mother died from Leukemia in 2004, a year later I was shocked to find out my father was dating so soon. The woman who he choose to date knew the family and was not liked by mother. This felt like my father was purposely hurting my mother and myself along with my brother. This lead to many confrontations between the woman, my father, and myself. Many hurtful things were said between my father and myself where we stopped talking and strained our relationship. When my father finally broke up with this woman, we begun to work on talking again slowly. He then began dating another woman, who I am not completely comfortable with but have learned after experiencing the loss of my spouse in 2008, that what my father said about loving my mother no matter what and that even though he choose to date again he would love my mother no matter what and would do anything to be with her again. When I first heard this from my father I thought there is no way you love her or even did if you are replacing her. Now that I find myself in a situation where my husband passed away suddenly in his sleep leaving me to take care of our 2 yr. I have gone through the grief process from both sides. I miss my husband with all of my heart and would do anything to have our life back and the way it used to be. I will love him forever and no one will take his place. He was the best father and husband I could ask for. Yet he would not want me to stop living, and he would not want for me to be unhappy. That is why I am able to see what my father meant by I can be dating someone and still love your mom and miss her. Because I find myself in the same situation. I am now dating a wonderful man and find myself missing my husband. I can love my life I had and respect that I need companionship and passion in my new life. I miss my husband everyday and would love for my son to be able to grow up with his father, but I know my husband would want for my son to grow up with a happy mother. So I concentrate on making myself and my son happy for right now. After reading your post I felt like we were kindred sisters! It was really rough, my mother actually talked to me about it days before her death-telling me to not be angry because dad was involved with this woman, that he would need someone when she was gone and that it was okay. In my case it turned out not so okay. What a huge insight on your part, death has made you more understanding and aware, not less. I wish you great success in love, motherhood, and life. It is almost like two deaths in one. My mom died in December 2008, almost a year ago. My dad began dating a woman about 5 or 6 months later. I was appalled and shocked when he told me. He cried and acted all upset when he told me, asking for my understanding. I wish now I would have gone nuts on him and really screamed to him what and how I really felt. He is with the woman constantly. He leaves work and goes straight to her house and is there until bedtime. I can never reach him on the phone in the evenings we live in two different towns. Anyway, I tried really hard, invited him, of course. He left immediately after we ate. It was like he was here to fulfill some sort of obligation or something. Then he started calling her on the cellphone. He left immediatly after we ate. SHE IS NOT MY FAMILY. I agreed to meet this woman one time just for him. Besides, honestly, I wanted to see what she looked like. Shallow of me I know. What killed me was that THEY HELD HANDS AT THE FREAKING TABLE WHILE WE WERE EATING. She was so quiet and boring, nothing like my mom at all. My mom was vivacious and full of laughter and life. I am sure this woman was nervous, and really, she was nice enough. I actually kind of felt sorry for her. I really have no bad feelings for her, I am just hurt and mad at my dad for putting my family and me through this. My daughter is a teenager, just learning about boys and relationships and THIS is the example she gets? When you lose someone you have loved for so many years dies, just REPLACE them with a new one. Anyway, I am furious about this entire situation. I am sick to death of reading on all these grief websites that life goes on, no one is expected to spend their life alone, blah, blah, blah…. That is NO EXCUSE for these newly widowed people to act like teenagers in their first love affair after their wife dies. Read a book, watch a movie, a ballgame, get online, visit a friend or family member. It is more about the widower than it is about whatever woman they happen to be dating. So that is the short version of my story. Does he not realize how incredibly hurtful this is to me? So I am basically stuck in this seething state of anger and resentment while also trying to deal with the grief of losing my mother. There are no words to describe the pain and emptiness I feel deep in the very pit of my being. How I struggle each and every day just to make it to bedtime and then get up and do it all over again, all while trying to be a good wife and mother. Sure, I want him to be happy, but does he really have to be so doggone thrilled and gleeful about it? And the really bad part is, there is NOTHING that can ever change this. Even if he broke up with this poor lady today, it will never take away the harm that it has already caused. So I guess that is the short version of my story. There is so much more, but no need to bore anyone with the details. Just more pain, more hurt, more sadness…I only hope I would never cause anyone the pain that this has caused me and my family. The ironic thing about this is, if heaven forbid, the lady he is dating now were to pass away, how long does SHE think it would be before he were dating a new one? It really does feel like you lose your father once he starts dating again. I was angry for a long time and this strained my relationship with my dad. There are still times I am so angry at him for choosing his girlfriend, over his family. But for right now I am ok with at least being able to see my father periodically and trying. I sometimes try to step back and look at both sides. It took a long time for me to be able to do this, and I am not perfect at this. Because if he were to be gone tomarrow I would regret not trying. Not giving him a chance. I am a 41 yr old widower, father of three kids, daughter 8 and twin 6 yr. I want to offer some perspective based on my experiences. The woman I married and loved did not even resemble the women who died after nearly five years of illness. Colon cancer is a terriblw way to die and I was with her every step of the way right up to the last moment of life. The way they gravitate towards any woman friend or family memeber is deeply sad. We are not open about things at all, but a feeling is not always easy to hide. I expect that whether or not my daughter is 8 or 10 or 15 or even 25, she would never be supportive of me dating, let alone falling in love and she clearly is not happy and has begu acting out a bit. I was a faithful husband and am a responsible, loving father, but I after burying a brother and a wife, I know that life is too precious to waste. I am on-line trying to find information and guidance on how best to reconcile my love for my daughter, the need my boys have for a mother figure they absolutely love her by the way , and how to explore the possibilities of a life with this woman. Who is a wonderful and caring person. Hope is a powerful thing and joy in the aftermath of pain can bring you back from the very depths of despair. I will continue to search for answers and hope that I find a way to help my family heal from this tragedy. Hi Meg, I am in the same situation. No soon after my mom passed, my mothers 1st cousin started coming around. I can see why I never ran into this 1st cousin. It made me sick. She would show him her new necklace or have him smell his perfume not on her wrist right in front of me. I wish I knew how to get passed this. It eats away at me every single day. I hate the fact that someone like her came into our lives only to get what she was after for many years. I even find myself wishing bad things happen to her. Has anyone been able to move on from the pain of their parents getting involved with someone else so soon? Meg, I know how you feel. My father started seeing another woman about 5 or 6 months after my mother passed away and the sad part is the lady has known my family for years and has been our church member for years. My dad feels that since he lost his wife, it is all about his loss; he does not realize this his kids are hurting and while I know he is lonely, his behavior is unacceptable. He ignores his kids and grandkids for the most part and seems so involved in himself to take out true, quality time for us. I know it is 2017 and my mom passed 5 months ago, but your message was as if I wrote it. It hit the mark with me. It was exactly how I feel and sadly where I am at. I feel my father has betrayed me, failed to live by the promise he made mom to be there for his two girls, and his words that he would never get another woman when mom died. I feel the woman lacks the very character by doing what she had done, even though dad and my sister feel she helps him, she makes him happy. Our own happiness comes with a price and if that price is our own kids, there is nothing worth losing them. They were the priority, my need to be with a man or re-marry, was not the priority. I am 56 and still feel the same way. I lost my mother and need my father. He is 20 again and mom has been gone for 5 months. Weakness is not an excuse and happiness is not always about ones self. Thank you for being so honest in your comments. She had dates lined up and then after the second, started regularly dating. After 3 weeks went away to his winter home for a long weekend. Only told 1 sibling….. I found out by mistake — totally devastated…. So sad……a horrible lesson of how not to act….. Thanks again for sharing — it is nice to know I am not alone. So many of you have stories that resound with what is going on in my life right now. Her death came as a major shock to us. She was an active, vibrant 72 year old woman who had lots of plans for the future. She and my dad were married for over 54 years and had the picture of a beautiful, loving marriage, one that any couple would aspire to have. When my mom died, my biggest sadness was not for myself, but for my dad. I wondered how he would ever be able to cope without my mom. They were true soulmates. He read to her every night until she fell asleep. She always fixed his plate. They served each other in love. I was out of town on business. I called my dad to check up on him. He told me he was upset because my younger sister had hung up on him. He said he LOVED his emphasis this woman and that they had plans to be together. He made it clear that he had already made a commitment and promise to marry this woman somewhere down the road. We have been trying to talk to him. He said this woman is the only light at the end of a dark tunnel. I am just mad at him, I guess. The person who talked about teenage behavior is right. He has been seeing this woman. This woman is playing him, I feel sure. She is playing games, encouraging him and then telling him not to call her any more. Then she calls him back saying she just needs to hear his voice. He says that she is acting this way because she has been hurt by other men. My sisters and I say that she is acting this way because she is manipulative and plotting. I have told him how I feel, and that is all I can do. My dad broke up with this woman. Thank God he finally saw through her manipulation before it was too late. My advice to anyone going through something like this is to not alienate yourself from your parent by shaming them or speaking ill of the person they are seeing. It will do no good. Listen to them, support them, be there for them as much as they will let you, and pray, pray, pray. He will now have to go through it. My sisters and I will be there to support him and love him through it. And perhaps, someday, he will meet a woman who shares his values and can make a life with him. I opened my huge mouth too quickly. I should have known. It is all I can do to keep from having a blow-up with this woman. I have never spoken to her or met her. Well, that is not exactly true. She has told him he has a dirty mind. She gets mad at him on every account. She says he is trying to turn her into my mom. So he breaks up with her. My mother passed away from cancer in 2007. He has a house here in FL and one in KY,so he felt the need to go to KY to get away for a while. It was completely understandable. He claims he wants to do what he wants before he dies. I lost my husband last year. I was married for 24 years, had a familly and it began to grow. And you children may not understand what we go thru. All I can say is that there are many reasons why we want to date and go on with our life. My children were not happy that I told them I was dating, they were hurt and angry. Yes it is about my happiness but my family does come first. I was not looking for this it just happened. He is someone from my past and I enjoy his company very much and I love spending time with him. He is not here to replace their father nor is he to replace him as my husband. He is someone I enjoy spending time with and someone to hang out with. He makes me smile again! I lost my mom on March 24, 2008 after her very hard fought battle with colon cancer. My mom and dad were married for 30 years. He was her caretaker and he held her hand to the very end. All I have known for 26 years of my life is the love between my mother and my father. After her death my husband and I continued to live with my dad to keep him company and ease the loneliness. We became extremely close with my father and spent countless nights in the living room together playing games. Now, almost 2 years later he has begun dating a woman fairly seriously. So living here with him has made it very hard on me. Regardless of all my feelings though, a daughter cannot fill all the emptiness that is felt. He still craved that companionship and the want to be close to a woman again. As much as I understand all this, I still find it so incredibly difficult to accept him dating. And the awkwardness of discussing my mom in front of her is almost unbearable but it is inevitable that my mom is going to come up because my daughter WILL know who her grandmother was. But he has for the most part been very respectful for my feelings so I have returned the favor. I just pray so much that the lady he is dating is the woman she says she is and that she and I can find a way to bond over common interests. I truly hope that all of you can find peace with your fathers dating again, and I am so very thankful to have found this site. God bless you all. I HAVE BEEN READING YOUR PAINFUL EXPERIENCES,MINE IS SIMIALR PEOPLE DONT UNDERSTAND THE PAIN IM IN. I HIDE IT NOW. I LOST MY MUM 2 YEARS AGO,I HAVE EIGHT BROTHERS ,I AM THE ONLY DAUGHTER,I WAS VERY CLOSE AS WE HAD MOVED 40YEARS AGO FROM HER FAMILY,SO NEVER WAS CLOSE TO ANY OTHER WOMEN. PRIOR TO MY MUM HAD DIED MY BROTHER MOVED IN AND MARRIED A PHILLPINE LADY WHO HAD A BABY. THIS BROTHER TOOK OVER THE HOUSE AND COULD DO NOTHING WRONG. HE WAS ON SICK AND THE GOVERMENT PAID FOR HIM AND HIS WIFE,SO HE GOES TO THE PHILIPINS FOR 3 MONTHS AT A TIME. SINCE MUMS DEATH HE SEEM TO HAVE CONVINCED MY DAD THAT HE LOOKED AFTER MY MUM AND THE REST OF THE FAMILY DID NOTHING,BUT WE ALL WORK? KNOW HE HAS TAKEN DAD TO THE PHILIPINES ,THROUGH COMMETS MY DAD SAYS HES HAVING SEX WITH GOD KNOWS WHO,HE TELLS ME IT STILL WORKS. NOT WHAT A DAUGHTER WONTS TO HERE? NOW HE HAS TAKEN ALL THE MONIES OUT OF THE HOUSE MUM AND HE OWNED HE IS GOING YO BUY A HOUSE IN THE PHILLPINES. AS FAR AS I KNOW HE CANT OWN THE PROPERTY IN HIS NAME ,HE HAS JUST PAID FOR A FUNEREL ONE OF THIS LADY COUSIN. IM AM SO ANGRY I GO VERY SOMTHINGS,I FEEL I HAVE LOST MY DAD ,I CANNOT GIVE MY BLESSINGS,BEFORE MY MUM DIED SHE TOLD ME DAD HIT HER WHEN HE DIDNT GET SEX,I THOUGHT SHE MENT WHEN THEY WERE YOUNG BUT HE HAS TOLD ME THINGS? PEOPLE CANT UNDERSTAND WHY I AM SO ANGERY ,THEY THINK ITS ABOUT THE MONEY THAT I WONT IT? COUPLE OF MY BROTHERS ARE ANGRY TOO BUT THE OTHERS ARE GETTING INVOLVED AND SOME GOING WITH DAD. I KNOW I MUST GET ON ,BUT IM SO SAD,I CANT GET NEAR THE PHOTO OF MUM OR VIDEO. I WAS TOLD THE PEOPLE WHO LOOKED AFTER MUM SHOULD GET HER THINGS. I FEEL I LOST MY DAD, I TRY TO STAY AWAY ,I POP IN SOMETIMES. THIS PHIPPLINE FAMILY IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN HIS OWN,I BELIEVE MY BROTHER IS THINKING OF HIS OWN RETIRMENT. I WISH I COULD JUST NOT FEEL SO GUILTY. I DONT WONT TO BE INVOLVED WITH THESE SNAKE IN THE GRASS. THANKYOU FOR READING THIS IM TRYING NOT TO BE ANGRY ,BUT MY DAD COULD DIE OVER THEIR. HE IS 80 YEARS OLD ,CANNOT GET INSURANCE,WE MIGHT GET IS ASHES????????????????????? My mom passed away at age 53 from colon cancer. Second verse, same as the first. He marries another old family friend. They were married 6 years when Dad died. He had changed his will so Stepmother 2 can live in his house as long as she chooses to do so. Who do they call when something tears up? Alas, my father is haunting me from his grave. So cheer up girls — you could be dealing with multiple step families. It definitly could be worse. You need to get a grip on your own life and let your parents be human beings. Does your parent tell you who you should and should not date, live with or be married to? What makes you all think you have the right to tell your parent what they can and cannot do in their own home and how they should live the rest of their life? Would it make these adult children happier if their remaining parent curl up in a ball in the corner, wear black everyday and sit in the house the rest of their life? So, your parent is moving on and has found a new love. What is wrong with that? BUT she feels entitled to the rest of him and what he does and who he dates. Her dad I have know from teen years—we were an item, and still have the same attraction we did then. HEAD OVER HEELS in love, even now. This daughter has put so much stress on her dad—disapproving of our relationship-its sick! This dad has did it all for them—sorry his 45 year old marriage is over—SHE DIED 3 YEARS AGO. All should be over by then—leave him alone or he will get sick—KIDS! Joanne- I think that was uncalled for- especially when everyones situation is different. People are here looking for comfort, and you bash them. What is wrong with you. And on top of this, if you actually read everyones comments, most of these people want the parent to be happy, but they are just not ready to meet their parents new friend. They are not asking their parent to not see this person, they are just wanting their parent to understand that they are not ready to accept them into their lives- just yet. My mother in law passed away 5 months ago. As it has only been 5 months since they lost their mother, their father has starting seeing another woman. A woman who he has known from a long time ago. My husband understands that his father needs this companionship and is not angry with him for wanting to be with this woman. What is hard for him is that his father wants him to accept this so soon- wants to bring her over to watch our kids and have dinner together. She lives in Florida so he traveled there a couple times to visit her- and he talks about her and her family and is very happy- which is great- but has done stuff with her family and grandkids, that he would never do back home with us. My point is- as we are accepting his new friend- we are not ready to meet her, or allow her to be a part of our family. We are fine with him being with her, but cant handle her visiting in my mother-in-laws home… sitting in her chair…. Although he is ready….. We can accept that he wants this new relationship, we just wish he would accept that we are just not ready to be a part of it. You spoke my thoughts exactly! I basically have had to wash my hands of the situation. I love my dad but it hurts too much to hear him exclaim his great love for this woman at this point. Her shoes still sit in the entry way of the house and her glasses, hand lotion and chapstick are still are her nightstand. And just like your FIL, my dad goes and spends incredible amounts of time with this woman, and my mom had to beg for any time she got from my dad. He always had too much work to do when she wanted to go somewhere—to see her grandkids and children. I am still having a hard time coping with her death. We were very close; she was my best friend. My father and I have had a much more tumultuous relationship. We talk, but are not close. I suspect he was dating again within a year after my mom died. About 8 months or so ago, he informed me that he was going out-of-town to meet a woman he had meet on an online dating site who lived in a nearby town. I was quite angry when I heard about this and we never again spoke of it. I have no idea who this woman is nor do I want to know. Furthermore, if it had been the other way around i. I feel your pain. I think part of it, for me, is that I feel like if I accept my dad having a new woman in his life, I am being disloyal to my mom. I, too, was very close to my mom. As a woman and a wife and mom myself, I feel very sad when I think how quickly my dad replaced my mom and professed his undying love for this new woman so quickly. If my husband were to do the same, the thought of it makes me very sad. I feel like you. My dad does things with his new woman that he never would take the time to do with my mom. She would have loved the attention he is giving to his girlfriend. Perhaps our dads feel guilty somewhat for things that were left undone with their deceased wives and this is their second chance to do it right. Hope all works out for you and that you find some peace. Thank you Julie for your post. This is exactly how I am feeling right now. My mom passes away last July. They were both diagnosed with Cancer within a day of each other…Dad Colon, Mom Lung and then we found out Mom also had an aortic aneuyism that could burst anytime. No good way to treat it. Within 4 months of her diagnosis, she was gone! Dad went thru surgery and treatment and is now cancer free. We, siblings were there daily for them as they went through this and Dad was very needy, calling me 3 to 4 times a day, wanting me to come over and sit with him. I did because I loved him and felt so very sad for him losing mom and dealing with his own cancer. Now he has found a lady friend, a very nice woman his age and of the catholic faith like him. Their faith is very important to both of them. So why am I finding it so difficult? Sure, I want him to be happy, but does he really have to be so doggone thrilled and gleeful about it? Thanks again for sharing. My mother-in-law passed away May 2009. His parents mom and stepdad were married for 25 years. My husband and I were so shocked that we got sick. My husband and father-in-law were working together in a family print shop and had been for seven years. That same day, one of the part time workers called while we were there at his house Irene and showed up 30 minutes later. The first thought in our minds was that they were seeing each other. We left heartbroken and grief-stricken. He claimed that their marriage had been difficult for about 5 years and that my mother-in-law would treat him very badly when they were home alone. According to him, he had already grieved over her and had moved on. My father-in-law bragged one week later that he slept with three different women. We took it very hard, to say the least. In July 2009, my father-in-law began dating Irene and one month later, we found out that they were opening up another shop between the two of the them and were opening it the next day. I was so angry I blew up. Which was the first time I had done so in front of my in-law s. My husband also feared that now that his mother was gone, his stepdad would cast him aside. I asked my father-in-law about this and he said he never would do such a thing. I guess I just have a hard time understanding him. He focuses his energy on what is right in front of him and never really considers how he is affecting anyone else. Communicating with him is like trying to squeeze blood from a turnip. We do all the footwork when it comes to trying to maintain a relationship. I call him and try to keep in touch and he gives only one word answers to my attempts at conversation. My husband is an only child and we have no children ourselves. Maybe I am looking too much into this. My father-in-law never put in the kind of enthusiasm and energy into the original shop that he has with the second one. Too much change and no way to navigate through it or interpret it. My wife of 14 years committed suicide just over a year ago, leaving me with 4 children ages 12 and under. Does that sound like someone else making a choice over which I had no control? Did it make me angry at her? You better believe it did. Does it still affect my life? It will every day until I die. And without a doubt, it will affect the lives of our children even more profoundly. My responsibility now, and mine alone, mostly, is to see that my children have the best chance of success in life. One thing I have learned, and that many of the above commenters have not yet accepted, is that I cannot predict how I will feel in the future. How short-sighted and petty is that? Did you ever think you would be grieving like you are? Were you able to predict how this would feel? So how, after your few months of experience, do you think yourself qualified to predict your feelings years into the future? Give me a break. When my wife shot herself, I felt abandoned; I thought I would never be able to trust anyone again, especially a woman. I was totally wrong—that was temporary. I could overcome that. It just takes work; maybe lots of work, but you can do it! There is no objective timeline that you can use to say it has been long enough, not long enough, etc. It will be different for everyone. I, as a father of young children FOR WHOM I AM RESPONSIBLE, have to be sensitive to the fact that it may be longer for them than for me. However, I do not have to be as sensitive to my in-laws, because they are adults, and I am not responsible to them. Do you get what I am trying to say? Yes, it is right to be sensitive. Yes, if your parent is making irrational decisions out of grief, senility, age, etc. Otherwise, you need to step back. Take care of yourself first. The problem is most likely with yourself—it almost always is, you know. I found this site a little late, but thank you all for sharing your stories. My parents were in a small plane crash 5 years ago, and mom died from her burns. Dad was burned badly on the face and arms, but survived. My parents were married for 39 years so I only knew them together. She seemed nice enough. She was my age and plastic-surgeried from head to toe. She would repeat herself, tell weird stories, slur her speach. We both knew it was her fault-she was just so stoned when we met her. That night she came to our house from the accident scene and never left. That was almost 3 years ago. Add to that all kinds of weird girlfriend moments-her wearing my clothes without asking, going through my personal things, falling asleep standing up, falling asleep at the dinner table, falling asleep at other peoples houses at parties, etc. Mumbling, repeating herself, not eating but complaining about her weight to everyone including fat people 95 pounds!!! Sadly, I got engaged, married, pregnant, had baby, and lost my dearest grandpa all with her by my dads side which made me miss my mom even more. She also managed to monopolize every situation with her own drama example: she lost her license for the vehicular manslaughter 2 days before my wedding and dad and people that were supposed to help me with the wedding ended up driving her around, taking her to hair appts, buying groceries for the out-of-towners dinner at dads house which she never prepared bc she was in court so my mother-in-law had to make it, etc. Keep it to yourself, lady!! I fly down as often as I can but this last time he told me not to come down bc girlfriend will be there. I am so hurt by all of this. I feel like my dad is picking her crazy over our hstory together. I miss my dad-and mom-so much. I just found this website…reading through all your comments made me feel better. I am not the only one feeling lost and angry! My parents were married for 45 years and my mom died of colon cancer. She was sick for 17 months. My dad does not see any of that and trust this woman who can barely put three words in English together without looking in a dictionary. He is imposing her on us and is threatening us—he says we have everything to lose he is the one with two daughters and three grand-children! He does not listen. We told him that our grieving process is not done and we are not there yet…he does not care. He is only thinking of himself. It will never be the same. I miss my mom…. Sonia I have been reading through previous posts and feeling much better that I am not alone. I lost my mother in November 2009 to heart disease. She has never reached out to me or tried to get to know me—dad justs sayd she is different and not used to a close nit family. I feel at this point that my dad died too. I am so sad because we were so close. He acts like mom never exsisted—they were married 38 years. I want him to be happy—I really do—but concerned and feeling robbed of my dad. I miss my MOM so much and I hate this destruction! My Mother died when I was 13 after a long, long illness. I am now 48 and would like to share my story. I cannot describe the awfulness of that time. Seeing my father sneaking across the landing at night was excruciating. Being issued with a guest towel was terrible. I would follow them several paces behind when they went to the cemetery perhaps seeking absolution. Arm in arm they would walk- it was traumatic. Unlike some women who date men so soon; no one could accuse her of trying too hard to fit, in or indeed trying at all! My father fawned over her and treated her like a goddess. When I asked if they were planning to marry I was told it was none of my business. My father is volatile and a bully and so guiltily I became relieved when she was about as he did not treat me so badly. Over 30 years this woman has caused havoc and hurt wherever she goes not just within our family but in her own. Her own son-in-law refused to even enter her house for years. When she retired she moved in full time leaving her family down south. Without warning years later she sneakily bought her own house. Years followed when they spent part of the week at her house and part at his. I lived with them. She has always behaved with complete and utter selfishness and he has always supported her. She would do something appalling and be banned from my sister or my home. Then eventually we would relent. I said I would call when I wanted so she unplugged the phone or the ringer of the phone. She has even assaulted my sister by shaking and shoving her. Since then there has been no contact unless we dropped my father off at her home. Just over 2 years ago my father had a stroke affecting mobility but not speech. When he could leave hospital he elected to go and live with her rather than us. My husband said he did not want my sister and myself to become her slaves. He also warned that she might block access. Did my father support my sister? We had offered to have my Dad live with us and had been planning renovations and adjustments to our home. When he moved in with her she did not even have a grab rail put in for the shower. My father said he did not want her to do it but he was 86 and she was 88. She allowed him a small bag of his possessions and decided she did not want any cards or mail being sent to her house. After a year my sister got a call begging her to pick him up immediately as basically she was kicking him out. They have always fought and split all through the years vowing never to speak again. Reconciliation,would never be accompanied by any apology. This happened twice before he moved back home for good. He told my sister not to even make eye contact or speak to her. She will leave him for up to three weeks at a time without a visit. She lives about 20 minutes away and unlike my father, still drives. There is a train and buses and a taxi driver who lives 2 doors down from my father. Dad lost his car in an accident just a few weeks before the stoke. He used to do everything for her but now he is of no use to her. I visit every other day alternating with my sister. She does housework and I do shopping etc. If the woman visits, she does absolutely nothing. When driving back from hospital the other week he asked who would be taking him back the following day. He makes zero effort to chat when I visit and tells me they both talk to each other all the time. I guess I just wanted to say the relationship has blighted our lives and especially mine. When my Mum died there was no counselling and I just had to get on with it. I felt at one point I could not cope. My hair stated to fall out. I had bad exam results. I took an overdose. The situation of being out of control brought me to the edge of anorexia. Incidentally, upon hearing I had taken the pills my father said two things. He knew she would humiliate him over having a weakling daughter. I can offer no hope to anyone going through this. She is a nasty unkind person with no friends except my father and family relationships where she keeps falling out with people. Her daughter came to stay when she was in hospital and then had a falling out with her mother over something. The worse she behaves and is allowed to behave by my father the more sorry he feels for her that she is disliked by so many from the shop assistants she abuses to both his and her families. The scars from this involvement will never heal. He shows repeatedly that she is the only thing he cares about. Please, please if you are a parent or new love interest think carefully about how a selfish decision will cause decades of pain and suffering. You have a commitment to your family. They need to grieve and adjust. We had no choice in this. We were powerless, as we are now. Our only choice would have been to cut our losses. Ironic that what motivated me to try to forgive was the fact I did not want him to be alone. He is treated like a toy that gets discarded when the child is bored and he allows her to show no respect to his daughters. Now married with 2 daughters of my own the pain was relived when I saw as an adult how terrible it would have been for my girls to have suffered as I did. I can offer no help but please think before you act. My father never married her which does not lessen his commitment to her in any way although he uses it as an excuse for weird behavior. Mum died at 56 and would be 90 if she had lived. I have lived with this situation for so many years. I hope that when the end comes I can finally move on. Had she been a kind woman and shown any caring it would be different. I once believed for a while she loved him rather than he was useful to her but unfortunately I no longer can receive solace from this idea. She is in the relationship for selfish reasons. If love is measured in sacrifice then she despises him. Thanks for an opportunity to vent although in a sense it is 35 years too late! She is completely self absorbed and obsessed with wrinkles. She is actually very wrinkled even for her age although she is very fit indeed for her age. She took some wrinkle cream back to the shop when she was about 85 to complain it had not worked. She and my father would sit together tut self-righteously if someone with a weight problem walked by. She once said that nurses who were overweight should be fired as it was obvious they could not be doing a good job. I cannot stress how thoroughly unpleasant she is and my Dad has increasingly become. Giggling and judging other people to make themselves feel superior. Other folk have mentioned sexual details being mentioned and we had that also. Dad told my brother in law they had slept together hundreds of times. It made the situation so much worse. The people who have been talking about the rights of the adult parent to move on however quickly are not seeing the whole picture. I can tell you how it was for me as a child losing a Mum and within days and weeks feeling uncomfortable in my own home and as an adult with all the knowledge about sex drives and rights to a new life. You will be able to move on. Your new partner will replace your old one but for the family left reeling from the impact of this new relationship there are wounds from which they may never recover. I implore you do this one unselfish thing for your children as honouring your late spouse or partner. Consider whether this is a kind and good person or whether you are grabbing a passing life raft. I can tell you these are things from which you cannot recover even if you are able to forgive. You have a duty and responsibility to those left behind whatever their age. Think of this before you jump into another involvement. It is a conscious choice. To those who are the new girlfriend or boyfriend- if you really care, give space and not pressure. You cannot imagine how your prescence equates to having your nose rubbed in something unpleasant. Even if you are the nicest person ever it will be really difficult. If you care at all recognise that for the family it will be like losing two parents. While you may feel alive and aglow this poor family are aghast. Your new love has you to keep him occupied all they have is pain and sadness and memories of someone they had loved and lost. Those of you who are kind will try to understand ,those of you who are are busy causing untold family damage and rifts will argue that you have the right to do what you like… The consequences of your actions do not affect just you. Your relationship may not last but the pain will most certainly endure. In my case so far all my teenage and adult life. He was not the only person to conclude thus. Hi, I just read the most recents posts. If you read this and think you can give me advice, please do. Read my previous posting number 57, on Octber 6th. I never met the woman my dad is involved with. I live too far away. He wanted to come here with her and I said no. I am not ready or interested in meeting her. My sister feels the same way and told our dad not to visit her with his girlfriend from Belarus. My sister and I will apparently receive an e-mail from him before the end of the year advising us of something. He drives me insane. I get so mad when he threatens me! As if I was 2 years old…tonight, he did it again over the phone. I just listened and said nothing and asked if he was done and then I asked him about his day. I simply have no interest whatsoever in this woman. I am not even one bit curious about her and I never ask any questions. My dad does not listen to my feelings and simply does not seem to care. He really only cares about himself. For me this is not a game but it seems to be for him. He can have a lady friend. I am just asking him not to impose her on me. I am not that kind of person. After reading some of your posts, maybe I should just let him go on with his life and let him go…. Hi Sonia, First let me say how terribly sorry I am for your situation. I have been there and am still there after many years. The gaping hole in your life you feel for your Mom will not be healing when you are in this horrible situation. One of the difficult things that I felt most accutely was that people think they are being helpful when they self-righteously preach at you and state that surely you would not want the parent to be alone. No one is arguing that at all. In my own case it was what eventually powered me through some difficulties. Unfortunately, due to the selfishness of the woman concerned, my sister and I are the ones looking after my father. She visits or picks him up if it suits her. The damage done can not be undone. I believed up until 3 years ago that if my father had his time again he had learned lessons and would not behave the same way. I now know that he would make the same choices again as he proves on a daily basis. It is made all the harder for you because you feel this woman is unworthy and the relationship is too soon and too in your face. This woman is everything my Mum was not. While my Mom was a real people person who would do anything for anyone this woman would avoid helping someone if she could. I live in England and certainly at that time no garage would have been open. I ran home with my friend several paces behind me to ask my father to help. There is no way your father can get you to accept this by threatening you. You may put on a brave face but he ought to know that that is not the same as accepting her. He talks to me now as if I was 8 sometimes. He draws a proverbial line in the sand at times and lets me know there will be a vile atmosphere if I dare ask questions. Of course I can only speculate but you may find that the threats involve removing you from his will or something. Funny I said to my husband recently that if someone had said to me that for the amount of money I may inherit I could have not gone through 35 years of trauma I would gladly have given up the cash. This situation has eaten up so much of my life and energy that I would have loved to have avoided it. My father is now almost 88. My sister and I alternate visiting him daily and seeing to his needs. He lives alone just waiting for her to phone or say she will visit him. He does not dare ask if she will be staying for a few days. Even if she said she was she would probably change her mind. She might not come or she might take him to her home for several days until she was bored and then drop him back. He insists these are mutual decisions but aquiescence is not the same as agreement. Since he can no longer drive she holds all the power. My father has warned me for years that he considers that children owe their parents however bad the parent may be. On the contrary he thinks that he owes her because she moved and sold her house on retirement to live with him. She never acts but with self interest and self preservation in mind so she did it for her and not for him. This is how involved she is with her family. She physically abandoned her family but my father mentally abandoned his. From her arrival on the scene we were told like you were, that no issues we had counted at all and it was non-negotiable. Your father may not recognise the implications of how his actions will impact generations. You must decide yourself. I want you to know that I feel your pain. If you pretend to accept you will be able to maintain the relationship for longer but is it really a relationship when there is no honesty? You could try writing a letter from yourself and your sister because he would have to read it and not interupt or threaten. The relationship may well blow over. With so little communication one could only conclude that it is based on attraction rather than having a lot in common. Sometimes men can suspend reality. Recently my sister was hoping to get some help from an organisation where people visited the elderly. In the end my father refused help. However, at one point he asked whether the potential new visiter was married. Remember, your father has made a choice. If he chooses her it is his choice. I am guessing the woman is younger. They had no children; it was for her relations. The problem is, even if the relationship is short-lived the pain it has already caused will not heal. How could so much love be so quickly forgotten. I do know one thing though. I cannot imagine ever being in a situation where self-interest would lead me to watch my children who are now 22 and 18 go through the equivalent of an additional bereavement while I bask in the warm glow of new romance. The relationship has already caused pain and destruction ;do parents believe things will improve? One thing that has changed my perspective over the years is from whom is duty owed. Because I was faced with a totally insensitive and unkind woman who barged in without the slightest sympathy or care for the family or me as a 13 year old living at home I blamed her more than I ought to have done. She is a horrible woman. However, and this is the crux of the matter- it is my father from whom I am owed a duty of care and not from her. Morally, she is culpable for her indifference to my sufferings but he permitted her to behave the way she did and does. He invited her in. He watched as she ruled the roost, assaulted, unplugged the phone and did all she could to be top dog and see his family pushed away. For that he must bear responsibility. Sonia- I hope you find this response. Know that there is someone in England who is thinking of you and hoping you find your way. If I was there I would give you a hug. Listening as you work things out is the best thing a friend could do. You are behaving with more emotional maturity than he is showing. Try not to burn any bridges unless you have to while you are in such distress and emotion. He is making a bad choice because he is emotionally vulnerable- although I do not feel that is an excuse. He may force your behaviour but he cannot force you to accept or like her until such time as you may want to. He may feel he will win long term because you either accept her or lose him. What he fails to see and I can say from experience is that he is inflicting untold damage on his relationships with his daughters. If he thinks things will ever be the same he is mistaken. It is not a question of bearing a grudge or of forgiveness. The trust has gone and the innocence. Knowing I cannot change the situation I have sometimes asked my husband to hold up a sofa cushion while I give it a good punch! Can you find a friend who will just listen and not judge? I have sometimes confided in someone only to find I felt worse after the chat… Sending sympathy for your loss and your distress x Hi Sonia, Just thought it might help to fill you in a bit more. After so many years we do not feel we can cut and run. Even I never expected his woman friend would be so callous as to abdicate all responsibility after 35 years of being together. She lives about 20 minutes away. I cannot advise you to cut the ties. I am not sure I would have had the courage to do that myself even if I could have seen the future. However, the horrors of the past and the selfishness and defence of the indefensible behaviour make visiting and caring all the harder. I am just not going to feel sorry for someone who is disliked by both her family and his. She is disliked because she is thoroughly dislikeable and it is her victims who are worthy of pity. Knowing that this person would throw you to the wolves if it would please her makes it hard to have a cheery disposition. Psychologically, knowing that the visit is almost resented because I am not her is hard going. He is depressed because he has been abandoned by her and takes it out on me. Hope these things give you some things to consider. No one could fail to see the pain and suffering Todd has endured. No one could fail to feel for the terrible situation in which you were left. I did want to address a couple of points. I think it is true to say,from my experience, that when loss is handled with gross insensitivity the impact of that causes a person not to trust the perpetrator again. In your case the perpetrator was your wife so perhaps with work you would learn to trust another again. In most of these cases the person inflicting the additional trauma is the parent who is flushed with joy at having found someone new and is not open to the fact that his emptiness has been filled while his family is still grieving. It seems they cannot wait to force the person on their family and present ultimatums for non-compliance. Even if this new romance proves long- lived and even if the person turns out to have an admirable and loveable character- the damage has been done. The family has been told by word or deed that their pain and suffering is secondary to the new romance. All the things they believed about their parents lifetime of loving are shattered. These things may be forgiven but a person cannot erase the pain from their memory unless they have memory loss. The pain may fade but it will not go away. Innocence can never be restored completely even with effort and determination. You also say that there is no definitive objective timescale for someone moving on with someone new. On this point I beg to differ. My father was communicating within days or weeks with this woman. She lived a distance away but was staying at the house 10 weeks after Mum died; I was 13. I defy anyone to say that this does not demonstrate an obscene lack of decorum and sensitivity. True you may carry on regardless of their pain and there is no law which says you cannot but for this failure in good judgement there will be a penalty in the shock and lack of trust that will ensue. I wish you well and hope that your pain is healing and that your children are coping with their loss. I hope in time you will be able to move on with the full support and blessing of those around you. I just want to make the point that grieving cannot be hurried. Forcing a new person on a family who are still going through that process with scant regard for their emotional state is not a thing that should be embarked on lightly. Unfortunately, I fear that the perpetrators are emotionally vulnerable themselves and often these new people move on them too quickly when they are not thinking straight. My Mom passed away on July 21, 2011 from a long battle with colon cancer that ended up returning and metastasizing all over her body after one short period of remission. My parents were married for 29 years, and I am the oldest in the family 28 of three children. I honestly did not know that after the funeral and her burial that I could ever feel so much pain inside again. I grew up feeling that my father was an intelligent, kind and warm gentleman who attends church every week. He was supportive with my Mom, but also caused my Mom some pain and sadness towards the last few months of her as he simply could not understand why she would not eat. It was because of the cancer that was growing all over her body. He lives alone and works in a very good job. He travels for his job and since I am going to school full time now, I have been house sitting for him while he is gone. The picture he showed me showed a beautiful girl that looks about 19. He told my younger sister that he has already grieved for his wife and is ready to move on. I understand and accept that. However, my grief is still fresh and often debilitating. He was very nervous during the entire conversation like he has been since he started bringing up about talking to these women. He is planning on having some woman, who he has only met less than 2 months ago on a chat messenger program, stay in the house and attend our Thanksgiving family function the first one since my Mom passed away, which is almost too hard to bear right now. To say I was shocked beyond words is an understatement. I told him kindly, and honestly tonight, that I am not interested, nor do I want to meet anyone at this time- the pain is too much. It seems that tonight, my world was shattered all over again after his phone call. Apparently, she has family or was originally from Florida, and he mentioned going to visit her family at some point. I almost swallowed my own tongue after hearing him say that. I would feel more comfortable with him dating, even if he set up a local profile on eharmony to meet for a date within the large cities he lives by. I would even approve of someone who is from our church- not some stranger who feels comfortable enough to fly over on a whim to visit an online friend or whatever so quickly. I think at some point, my ears and brain stopped listening and corresponding after he dropped this bombshell. Thank you, Ella, for being able to put into words the impact this has on the immediate children and future generations. I understand that my father needs companionship, but I do not feel that it would be too insensitive to ask him to please wait just a bit longer, even a few weeks longer- so that we can at least get used to the idea. My sister, brother, and I only were told one month before she passed that my Mom was going to die. She and my father hid the severity of her initial diagnosis of stage iv for almost the entire illness until it was undeniable. I strongly feel that like a teenager who gets his heart broken for the first time, he is clinging to someone TOO QUICKLY. I am afraid he is going to make a mistake that will cause a rift in our already hurting family. At this point, I am already now considering not attending Thanksgiving if she will be in attendance because the pain is still too great, especially for the first holiday without my Mom. I feel that bringing her around a family function this soon is very unacceptable. Just thinking about this makes me feel sick. I am finding myself angry with him and frustrated. My husband even commented to me tonight that he feels uncomfortable with the fact he is constantly bringing up about talking and meeting other women. This is why I feel guilty- because I want him to feel better. But it seems that for right now, what makes him feel better is pushing our family apart. I read every comment on this page and for those that are in the same or similar situations — I feel your sadness, anger, and pain. Dear N, How sad your letter makes me! Perhaps your father would do well to read some of these letters. I cannot fathom what causes grown adults to behave like children in a sweet shop when they lose their spouse. Firstly, I speak as an Englishwoman married to an American who has only recently after almost 25 years of marriage taken joint citizenship! I have to tell you that although Britain is a first world country there are many people who see the U. S as a golden ticket. Although both countries are going through economic difficulties if you are able to work and are not reliant on welfare there is in general a higher standard of living in the U. Naturally, I know there are exceptions to this rule but I speak in general terms. When we married we decided to make a go of things in the U. K as I was closer to my family than my husband was to his but people acted as if we were crazy to stay here! I tell you this because it may not be a mail order bride situation but it is true to say that lots of folk would want to move to the U. It was and is possible for British people to buy houses in Florida and rent them out through an agency. For the price of a large house in the U. S you could get a tiny place over in the U. We are a tiny island and so property prices will always be high even now when property and land has dropped substantially. There are people in the U. S I am not casting doubt on this woman or saying she is financially motivated. However, I think it is fair to say that even if she is comfortable financially,which seems unlikely judging by her age, that an opportunity to move to the U. S or even go for an all expenses paid vacation would be seized with open hands. I mentally slapped myself about the head striving to gain acceptance of my terrible situation. I told myself that I could never forgive myself if something happened to my father too. It worked somewhat in that I tried as hard as I could. However, this woman is a fair weather friend and has proved to the world her worthlessness. My sister and I took my father to hospital yesterday for eye check ups and tests and we were there about 7 hours not including travelling. While we were in a coffee shop he took the time to be checking his phone to call this woman. My father says he is grateful to us but cannot comprehend the irritation and annoyance his behaviour causes. He proved he was a lousy judge of character and that once he had committed himself to her he would not let go. Now when he truly needs her she is not willing to be there. She had him stay with her for about a year because she was scared of losing control. After attacking my sister we could not visit at her home. He resented being taken out for visits almost as if he felt we were at fault. He is pretty much alone now anyway. I wish people could see that jumping feet first into a relationship at an emotionally vulnerable time even if they think they are ready for it can have devastating consequences not only for the rest of the family but ultimately for themselves. I feel so sorry for you. Thanksgiving is such a strong family time and you are still reeling from your loss. It would be appalling enough to celebrate without your Mom but to have a young girl thrust upon you is just too much. Your husband sounds lovely and supportive and it will be hard for him to witness your pain and to know he cannot prevent it. After all this time he is good and angry about the way I am treated in order for my father to maintain good relations with this unworthy woman. He sees my distress and is powerless to act. Your choices are agonising ones. I cannot emphasise enough that there may well be a case of self-preservation here. It could be argued that not being forced to entertain this stranger on an important family holiday would make you feel better! I think one thing my life has taught me is that emotional maturity is not age dependent. People of all ages show complete selfishness and display the behaviour sometimes associated with petulant teenagers! My husband and I have two beautiful and healthy adult daughters. There is a 4 year age difference between them as we lost 2 babies due to miscarriage. It is so unspeakably insensitive to tell people that the pain and grief they are dealing with could be worse. You have every right to be feeling absolutely appalling right now having lost your Mom and with everything going on with your father and being told that you should cheer up because things could have been worse for your Mom is so uncaring. All you will be wanting is for your Mom to still be alive and well and for your Dad to be be with her and for all this never to have happened. Not by talking to him — doing that means you have to let him talk back or pretend he is tired or distracted or not well or busy or whatever it takes to not listen most likely piling guilt on you. Just send him a link to this webpage. Of course, you are taking the risk that there will be a family split and you will get the blame. These are the only options I see — and it is a tragedy that they all mean the most pain is experienced, as always, by the innocent party. Thinking of you and understanding where you are at! My mum died a year ago after a very short, unexpected battle with cancer. Dad has visited a friend of his a couple of times recently — she lives a couple of hundred miles away. I was very calm until he left, then i cried for hours! What makes it even harder is that dad also has terminal cancer, and we dont know how long he has left to live. He said she is dreading meeting us — on the assumption that we WANT to meet her! I dong want to meet her. Sorry for rambling on! X A big thanks for all who have shared their situations. I thought my feelings of anger and hurt were unfounded. I lost my Mom to cancer at the end of 2010. My Dad and I have never been close but Mom wanted us to mend the rift and after her death I stayed with Dad and helped with as much as I could before going back to my family. I typically visit Dad once a year and he does the same. I kept in constant communication with him after leaving. I wanted to be there for him and was worried how he would live after being married to Mom for over 50 years. Little did I know 14 months later I was going to be blindsided with a call that he was dating. This came out of the blue, as I had just seen him several months prior and there was NO mention of him ever wanting to get back into the dating pool. When he told me I cried and later apologized but I wasnt emtionally over the loss of my Mom. Mom was the only parent to make me feel special and love me unconditionally. I feel like Im being emotionally abandoned all over again and Im 50. Hes only been dating her 3 months and Ive just been told he will be bringing her to visit when he sees us over the summer.
